“Morning” sickness (preg ment) – UPDATED

OK, I will just say up front: if you are not really feeling like reading about pregnant people, and especially not about whiney pregnant people, then this would be a very, very good post to skip.

I will start off with the usual disclaimers.  (1) Being pregnant is better than not being pregnant when you want to be and thus I do not expect even one smidgen of sympathy from anyone in that position, or actually anyone else for that matter.  (2)  If you are in early pregnancy and nervous then you want to have morning sickness and in that case my expectations for sympathy are also really low.

Having gotten that out of the way… I don’t feel so good.

I actually started getting nausea already during the 2ww which was just fine by me because it let me hope that actually I might really be pregnant (even though I swear not to think that during the 2ww).  For the first couple of weeks I had the “fun” nausea where I would feel kinda nauseous if I hadn’t eaten for a while, but would have a good appetite and eat and afterwards would feel fine.  Ladies, if you are in the morning-sickness-wishing camp mentioned earlier, wish for that kind of morning sickness.  That is a good kind.

Now I have the kind where I woke up this morning because I started to retch in my sleep.   Where no food of any kind holds any interest to me, but I have to eat because otherwise I get a horrible stomach ache.   Where every mealtime I sit and wrack my brains about what sounds like it might be appetizing enough that I can choke some of it down.  Where I have to carry a baggie around with me in case I need to throw up in public. Where the nausea never, ever ends.

Except Saturday morning, when I woke up and blessedly was not nauseous.  I felt great.  I felt like myself.   I felt full of energy and ready to tackle the day.  Except for the fact that I was, of course, as a good infertile, immediately paranoid that I felt good because The Baby Is Dead.  Even though I knew that if the baby had died my HCG would not go down so quickly that I would be insta-better.  But in any case I only had to feel that paranoia for a few minutes because as soon as I got up to go to the toilet the nausea came back.  Dang, if only I had enjoyed it while it lasted.

Of course, the good thing about the morning sickness is it makes it easier to believe that this might be the Little Embryo that Could instead of yet another in the long series of Little Embryos that Couldn’t.  But here’s the thing that I am really, really hating about the morning sickness.  It is completely sapping my ability to get anything done.  I am working from home right now and I haven’t been able to work for more than an hour a day for the last 4 weeks.

Week 1 was just after transfer, when I had really bad cramping and the only thing that calmed it down was lying in bed with my hips and shoulders square, a position in which it was impossible to work on a computer.  Week 2 was after we flew back from the clinic, during which I thought I just had the world’s worst case of jet lag, but actually, as I found out at my 2nd beta, my thyroid had given out.  Week 3 was spent in full-on no-thyroid zombie mode waiting for my appointment with the local RE so I could get thyroid meds.  Then as soon as the thyroid meds kicked in, bam, it was week 4 and the all-day nausea fest made it pretty much impossible to concentrate.

And now I’m looking at another 4 weeks at least of this, and I gotta be honest with you.  Every day I say to myself, one day at a time, you made it through another day, this is just what you have to go through to get a baby, it won’t last forever.  But at the same time I don’t know how I am going to make it through another 4 weeks of this or more.

OK, no worries, I can play the other side of this argument too.  Billions of women before me have been pregnant, and lots of them have had morning sickness.  They all sucked it up, kept working, took care of kids, etc., so why can’t I?  I’m not even throwing up that much, I am just really really nauseous.  So even though I feel miserable I feel no actual right to be miserable.  I feel like I am just a wimp who can’t hack it.  In fact, today I had the dreadful thought which I decided it would be wiser to just immediately erase from my brain, that maybe God had kept me from getting pregnant until now because He knew I couldn’t take it.

At the same time I think about the last 4 years and the 8 IVF cycles that happened during them.  Each of those cycles cost me at least 3-4 weeks of health and sanity.  Each of those, too, did damage to my career because I couldn’t work like other people could while I was cycling.  And that makes me feel like I haven’t been pregnant for 4 weeks, I have been pregnant for 4 years.  Somehow all the effort – especially the major physical effort – that went into all of that has made it much harder for me to suck it up now.   When does the easy part come?  Because I can’t really take it any more.  I feel like I am doing the world’s longest IVF cycle.  Even though I know that lots of women would kill to be in my place.  Even though I know that I would kill to be in my place. I’ve got no excuses.  It’s just how I feel.

*****  UPDATE ******

After I wrote this post, I rooted around in my purse to get out my sea-bands in the hopes they might help.  They are actually cheap-o knock-offs called Queaz-Away (it is really hard to find real Sea Bands in the country where I am living) and they make my wrists hurt after I wear them for a while, so I had taken them off and stowed them away the day before.  But I put them on and within 10 minutes I had gone from definitely-will-puke-any-second-now to just-kinda-nauseous. Took them off when I went to bed, put them back on when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep from the nausea.  This morning I feel not too terrible.

I decided that:

a) I am never taking the sea bands off again except to shower!!!!

b) I need to change my attitude, I may not be able to change the nausea but I can change how I think about it to make myself less miserable.

c)  I can always eat pretzels and drink ginger ale.  I am going to stop making myself eat “real” meals and if this baby is just baked out of high fructose corn syrup, salt, and white flour, so be it.  When Mr. Nishkanu says “what do you want for breakfast honey?” I will say “pretzels and ginger ale please.”

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5 Comments »

  1. Look, here’s the deal: you have EVERY RIGHT to complain and bitch about your morning sickness. I do not subscribe to this theory that IFers, once pregnant, are supposed to shout (or barf) in waves of joy and glee every time they get a symptom that non-IFers don’t blink an eye about getting. Some of them even see those symptoms as their inalienable right. So by all means… complain! You have endured a lot to get here, I think you are allowed to bitch and moan all you want. And what is a blog for, for god’s sake?

    I think I got a mini-wave of nausea just reading your post. I call them The Queasies. I think it’s what you’re referring to as the ‘good’ nausea. They seem to be mostly calmed by eating. Except they seem to be getting stronger. Uh oh…

    Have you tried Ginger Chews? They’re an all natural ginger candy (Whole Foods or online) and I found them to be mighty expeditious and efficient with nausea in the past. Give it a shot.

    Hope you continue to feel better. And btw… I think you are *definitely* pregnant! : )

  2. annacyclopedia said

    I just found you from circlesbecomeme’s blog and have spent most of the last half hour obsessively reading your posts. This will likely continue when I get home from work. I’m newly pregnant after pursuing DI and I’m always glad to find other donor blogs to read – yours already seems like an especially good one.

    I totally second what the previous commenter said about having the right to complain – I definitely have been censoring myself in that department, but there really is no reason why we can’t let it out. If we’re suffering, we’re suffering. No need to live in denial about that just cause it was hard to get here.

    Ginger Chews are amazing, as are my knockoff SeaBands. Hope the nausea eases enough to give you some peace, and sticks around just enough to give you, well, some peace.

    • nishkanu said

      Thank you very much for the comments, I really, really appreciate it.

      Unfortunately many of the products available in the US to deal with nausea are not available in the country where I live. I did find some ginger candy at the whole food store near here the other day and bought it with great enthusiasm, only to spit it out instantly because it is so sharp it burns my mouth.

      I think my feelings that I don’t have a right to feel miserable don’t have so much to do with being infertile but with the fact that many women who are pregnant just suck it up and get on with their lives, and I am shocked in contrast at how totally debilitated I have been.

  3. seriously, you have every right to bitch and whine like normal people… simply because you’ve earned it damnit!!

    p.s. you’re right, I don’t sympathise or even empathise, but I understand, and thats cool.

    hope you feel better soon!! ginger ale is a great way to keep the nausea away and I also found that eating (small meals, frequently) worked wonders… staying away from fatty, greasy, sugary things though. so, boring small meals, or fruit n such.

    xx

  4. chicklet said

    I don’t envy you at all – I still have the “really could puke but don’t” nausea in that I feel terrible, but have never actually ben panicked for a bathroom, and that’s freaking bad enough. I don’t know how women do it. I know they do, and I know you’ll make it, but good lord it’s a mental game.

    As for nausea going away, pee on a stick. Who cares. It’s satisfying:-)

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