Quickie update

Sorry for the radio silence.  Mr. Nishkanu and I were out travelling and away from the internet most of last week (and, yes, not only Mr. Nishkanu but I, too, got to shake the Prez’s hand.  Mr. Nishkanu’s mom has been sending a pic of Mr. Nishkanu with the Prez to everybody she knows 🙂 ).  And since then… well… haven’t been feeling too great.

OK, now is a good time for the people who are still stuck in the hellhole of infertility to say “ah, so that is how Nishkanu is doing” and click on to another blog.  ‘Cause I am about to tell it like it is, and it ain’t pretty.  There is some complaining on the way.  Forewarned is forearmed.

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Ready?

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Although things are definitely better than the first trimester I am still having a lot of all-barf-all-the-time days and exhaustion.  When you google “second trimester” and “exhaustion” you get 10,000 hits saying that the second trimester is the promised land of energy bursts, but I gotta say, those bursts have not arrived at this household.  I am starting to have a lot of worries in comparing the amount of work I have to do before the little one comes with the amount of energy I have at my disposal.

The whole situation is making me feel pretty frustrated.  I am used to being Ms. Perky who leaps out of bed with delight at 6 or 7 to start her day with energy and enthusiasm.  I am not sure how to be Ms. Drag-Her-Butt who can barely manage to get up by 9, who can’t think coherently and who has the energy to do approximately 1 task per day.  To be honest, as f*cked up as it sounds after trying to get knocked up for 5 years, most days I am feeling pretty depressed.  I feel like I have lost my sense of agency.

I hope that things might get better after I can feel the baby move, maybe then I can stop having Dead Baby Thoughts and feel like at least the nausea, exhaustion, etc. are for a good reason (right now the little one still seems very theoretical, although there must be some reason why my belly is swelling past the “My, Don’t You Look Bloated” stage).  But I dread getting to that point and things still being exactly the same.

I know that I need an attitude adjustment, not sure how to accomplish it.  Mr. Nishkanu doesn’t really know what to say (except that he wishes he could be the one who was pregnant, a sentiment with which I whole-heartedly agree).  I also know that the pregnancy hormone soup can make plenty of women depressed, and that in that case this isn’t really my ‘fault’ and maybe I can not feel guilty about it.  It sure would be nice if I could snap out of it, though.  Suggestions are welcome.

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3 Comments »

  1. Lisa said

    I just feel so bad that you’re having such a hard time. I have no suggestions, other than to cut yourself some slack. I think that those of us who suffered through infertility feel bad about feeling bad and complaining because, well, because we’ve been trying to get here for so long. But, the reality is that, once you got pregnant, you became the every-woman. You have had a horribly difficult time so far and you are allowed to feel awful.

    I am sitting on the couch right now, completely and utterly knocked out from the mere act of grocery shopping. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy or the fact that I’m on the back-end of a terrible cold and not getting great sleep. Regardless, I feel tired and lousy and, you know what, that’s OK!

    Hugs to you!

  2. Rachel said

    It is so frustrating when pregnancy is not what you think it will be. I felt very similar when I had my bleeding scares. It was like, jesus, after all I’ve been through, now I have to put up with more shit?! And sometimes, I still feel that way. All this waiting. All this worry. Can’t it be easier?

    Your depression and frustration is very understandable. You’ve been through the ringer already, and then first trimester kicked your ass, and is still nipping at your heels, to say the least.

    I think the only thing I can offer is that pregnancy and motherhood IS a time of adjustment and change. And if you’re a go-getter, anything that cools your treads is a huge curveball. I think you need to allow yourself to drag your ass for as long as you need to. This won’t last forever. Don’t feel guilty about it and try to remember that it is a temporary state. You’ll soon be running after a toddler and balancing that with work again.

    You will get there!

    I am having my good days and my bad days. Friday I had a mild headache that turned into an ass-kicking migraine on Saturday. Lying in a dark room was all I could do. Some days I feel great; others I need two naps.

    I commented earlier that I had no desire to work, but I’m back to working more and enjoying it. I think a lot of it had to do with the meds. I do wonder how I will juggle all the balls once a baby is here… lol

  3. Clare said

    Oh.. it sounds exhausting. As a non-prg lady who is struggling with agency and getting out of bed myself, I can’t imagine adding to that growing a baby inside.

    I do hope that the energy burst come… or some wonderful person who can pick up the slack while you give yourself some. In the mean time, just be glad your to do list is short than the Prez’s 🙂

    Take care

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