Baby alive

Recently I have been wondering why I am not so excited about my pregnancy.  I am happy that there is finally, finally, finally a little one on the way but I do not feel about being pregnant the way I thought I would – super excited and happy and protective of the little one.  Instead I feel kind of… well… meh about being pregnant.   It just doesn’t seem real to me, the puking and various other physical issues seem pretty real but the idea that there really is a baby in there seems like a just-so story. I have been wondering a lot about why that is, could it be because it is a DE pregnancy, or is it because I was so unbelievably ill for the first months and that destroyed my enjoyment?  But today I let in a little glimmer of belief that there really is a real baby in there and immediately felt a sense of bile-raising panic.  That’s when I realized why I have so steadfastly resisted that belief until now.  Realizing that there really, truly, really is a little one in there who is really growing and really has the potential to be a baby raises the stakes way too high, it means that there really is the scarey potential of losing a real baby involved.  Better to be meh than to sit around freaking constantly about whether something will be wrong.  At least that’s the unconscious arithmetic.

Hah, I am a post-loss stereotype.

Speaking of which I went to a baby store today to unsuccessfully attempt to purchase some not totally awful maternity wear and was horrified that I would have to walk past all the baby carriages, toys, and gee-gaws in order to get to the clothing section.  Buying maternity clothes?  Totally cool with that.  Contemplating any baby supply purchases?  Not an option.

In any case, today we had our 20 week ultrasound, actually done at 18w 2 days.  The little one was asleep during this appointment (which surprised me a bit since I had just drunk a cup of real genuine coffee beforehand, but that didn’t seem to phase it) so for once we did not have lots of somersaults and other interuterine gymnastics to observe.  The doctor appreciated that though because it made all the measurements easier.  Again the little one passed all tests with flying colors and is as normal and boring as can be.  He or she weighs about 1/2 a pound and is 20 centimeters long.  Go little one!!

Normally at this ultrasound they tell you the gender but we  asked them not to.  Originally we wanted to know the gender but then we realized something… if we know, it will be very hard not to tell the gender or accidentally let it slip to others (how come the first question everybody asks you is “do you know what it is?”  My stock answer is “I hope it is human but a kitten or puppy would be OK too.”  With our friends who know about our IVF we say “it could be a panda, after all they might have confused it with some of the embryos from the zoo.”).  And if others find out than we are going to have to listen to a litany of b*llshit advice about little boys this or little girls that and get piles of little pink dresses or little blue polo shirts.  It was worth it not to know ourselves in order to be spared having to deal with these gender stereotypes for the next 5 months.  But… the doctor told us when not to look at the screen to avoid having the big reveal, and we dutifully looked away while Mr. Nishkanu secretly kept the video recording going.   So if we get super curious we can always take a look and see if we can figure it out for ourselves.  And then we can still say “the doctor didn’t tell us…”

In other news I sit around and wait for baby kicks which a person is supposed to be able to feel around now.  I suspect that I have already felt a bunch but it sure is hard to tell the difference between that and the various feelings a person has in their gut which one never paid attention to before and hence has gotten very good at tuning out.  Hopefully soon I will be able to get “baby alive” reassurance without having to actually go in for an ultrasound…

And finally, I also went by the OB for another pre-flight thrombosis checkup.  The good news?  No thrombosis here!  The bad news?  Blood results suggest that I do have an elevated risk of thrombosis.  This is an accidental finding but one the OB takes seriously.  Hence, I have to give myself a heparin shot before I board my flight tomorrow.  Now, if there is one advantage to having had 8 IVF cycles, it is that when a doctor says “you have to give yourself a subcutaneous shot” you say “no problem, hand it over, I can do it blind-folded.”  No need for any needle training here!

Off to Remote, Isolated Region tomorrow and can’t wait.  Stay tuned for occasional updates!



  1. I understand the feeling of panic, totally. My feelings have gone from totally scared all the time, to totally scared with occasional joy, mostly joy with occasional scary feelings and most recently mostly joy with… PANIC. I am really going to have a baby. I don’t know squat about babies! What was I thinking??

    Actually, I do know a bit, I had a baby brother, I babysat, I was nanny for 2 years… but it still feels enormous. I was just reading about finding a pediatrician and that got me thinking to cuts and bruises and fevers and broken arms… oh my!

    I’m sure you’ll be feeling those kicks soon. And in the meantime, you’ve got a good report from your doc, all is proceeding well. It’s so hard to have faith, but from this viewpoint, you’re doing great! 🙂

    Glad they caught the thrombosis thing. And yes, we are subcutaneous, intramuscular pros.

  2. chicklet said

    I’m totally going to use that answer, “Well I hope it’s a human, but a puppy would be just fine too!”. I’m actually excited for the next person to ask me now!

  3. Ana said

    With you on the whole not quite excited thing. While initially it was truly to prevent any attachment due to fears of loss, now I think its combined with being frightened at the prospect of HAVING a BABY. I think my subconscious mind is trying really hard to keep both sources of panic at bay. Hopefully I can deal with these issues and start to feel the excitement and joy I always imagined I’d feel.

    We are still debating the “to find out gender or not” thing (we have about a month to go)…your post brings up another reason on the CON side (the blue polos & pink dresses and other gender stereotypes. plus I really like green & yellow). My husband (and my mom, for some reason, not that its up to her in any way), are in the “its better to let it be a surprise” camp. My argument is that it will still be a SURPRISE, it’ll just happen 20 weeks sooner.

  4. Lisa DG said

    I completely understand how you must be feeling and imagine that this is what I may go through if my DE cycle goes as hoped. A live baby is all that matters now.

    Here’s to feeling daily kicks by the time you return from your trip.

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