Sometimes a carseat is just a carseat.

I did it. I made it over the giant purchasing barrier. I bought the first baby item – a car seat.

I had been dreading the research and the purchase, but it was strangely liberating. My major feeling was… holy poop, could we actually really need this thing? We, the people who have spent years and years and years sitting on the sideline, who had stopped thinking it was possible for there to be anything but sitting on the sideline? Will there really be a baby here in a few months who needs to sit in this? Sure, it’s kicking like crazy, but who knows, maybe I just have a really big and hyperactive intestinal worm. Or maybe something will still happen to it. Etc. But… a tiny feeling of elation bubbles up… you never know… maybe it will actually WORK!

I went to bed after placing the purchase and dreamt that I was in infertility treatment again. I had some kind of electronic gadget that you could program to do your IVF cycles (yeah, if only it were that easy). All you had to do was type in for each cycle whether you wanted to use your own eggs or someone else’s, and to make you commit to the cycle you had to type in the name you would give each embryo if it turned into a baby. I programmed the device to do 200 cycles, half with my own eggs and half with donor, figuring that that should be enough. I then started it and watched it go through the cycles for me (handily, on the gadget each cycle only took a second or so). The gadget started printing… BFN… BFN… miscarriage… BFN… chemical pregnancy… etc. until it got through all 200 cycles without anything sticking. It then printed an obnoxious message with the very low probability of that having happened, for a ‘normal’ infertile.

‘Cause let’s face it, that’s how I see myself still apparently. Despite the fact that all evidence seems to point to a little human being currently living inside the Nishkanu and arriving in the world outside Nishkanu in a few short months, inside my head I am still the person to whom such a thing would never, ever happen. And that’s what makes the leap of faith that the car seat represents such a thrill.

Plus, I now have a car seat, a bunch of onesies, and some diapers (the latter two items presents), so that means I can technically bring a baby home without having to buy anything else. And that’s liberating too!



  1. Lisa DG said

    I so understand that it is hard to believe that “dreams do come true” – I used to hate those people who said such silly things. It’s nice to know that when it happens, you can actually take the little one home- the car seat seems like the most practical item to buy now… Everything else is really more of a want, I suppose (except I suppose diapers).

    Wishing you a smooth and easy conclusion to this pregnancy and a live baby at the end.

    • nishkanu said

      Thank you!!

  2. Lisa said

    Oh my gosh, what an awful dream! I found myself getting more and more apprensive as I read it because I totally understand. Yes, we went out and bought furniture, but, that’s all we’ve bought. I haven’t been able to go get the car seat yet because I, too, can’t accept that I might be bringing home a baby. Sadly, I know that I’m pregnant, but, I cannot picture myself sitting in a hospital room holding a newborn baby that belongs to me. My brain stops short of letting me get there. So, trust me, I understand….

  3. Eve said

    What a dream! I think you dream like me…vivid, weird, and would make VERY interesting short, artsy little films! I’m glad that you’re starting to embrace the fact that a little, fully formed human being is going to be coming out of you VERY soon! Hope you like your carseat!!!! I could talk car seats for days and days…how’s that for the most uninteresting bit of banter you’ve ever recalled?

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